Dear Anna,
I recently moved out of my now ex-boyfriend's apartment, because he said I needed to find myself and my independence. He thinks I relied on him too much, him being the one to ask me to move in with him in the first place. I still have very strong feelings for him. His decision came after a few months of him being unhappy. This decision left me confused and hurt. He was very helpful with the move, he also went to a wedding with me just recently, and we went to dinner a couple of nights ago because he wanted to spend time with me. I feel I'm receiving mixed signals from him. Does this mean that we could have a relationship?
-Hurt and Confused
Dear HC,
I've been there. My first real girlfriend and I broke up in the slowest way imaginable-like we were dismantling a child's six-piece puzzle one painstaking month at a time. First we tried to give each other space. Then we moved into separate apartments (half a block away). Then we tried opening the relationship up (never a good idea when you're on the rocks). Nothing worked to fill the chasm widening between us, and we eventually were forced to recognize that the love we shared with each other, while lovely and grand and binding (we're still good friends), wasn't ultimately sustainable.
I see a lot of these traits in you, HC. Of course, our stories vary, but it seems that your ex-boyfriend recognized that your relationship was veering off course and took measures to alter it. This doesn't mean his feelings for you aren't still lovely and grand and binding, but gestures of goodwill and kindness don't necessarily change the truth.
That said, if you feel confused by his messages, bring it up with him. Breakups are, for a time at least, a negotiation, just like all ongoing relationships. If you need an absolute break from your ex (and I wholeheartedly endorse this approach), you are entitled to take it, regardless of whether he wants to feel connected or "spend time with you." If you feel his actions and words negate his prior claim of not wanting to be with you, call him out on it. Boundaries exist in all stages of life, and it's important to recognize your own limits. You have a right to say, "Hey, when you do X, I find it confusing. Can you not do that for a while?" And he might have some boundaries of his own, which you should listen to and respect as well as you can.
In the meantime, and since you still have such strong feelings for him, I would heed your ex's advice and use this newfound freedom to stake your own claim and install a new vision of your life. Look around yourself, HC. What is at the crux of your life's radiant core? I challenge you to seek out your dearest, strongest urgings-which are in no way connected to even the sweetest and most devoted of boyfriends-and be ruthlessly devoted to them instead.
Good luck.
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