Cue the spooky music. Halloween is nearly upon us!
America's favorite pagan holiday-aside from Christmas-is right around the corner, and it's time to start planning those costumes. If you're single, then you've had plenty of time to consider which sexy animal you're going to be, but if you're coupled up, you probably want to do something "fun" with your sweetie.
However, not all couples are created equal. Below are nine types of twosomes we've encountered and the best costume idea for each of them.
The-best-friends-who-recently-started-sleeping-together couple
Who they are: These crazy kids have been friends for years but only recently got drunk enough to have sex after their high school reunion. Their mutual friends are like, "Duh, idiots," but are sincerely happy about their union-as long as it ends in marriage, or their breakup doesn't cause a rift in the friend-group or whatever.
Their perfect costume: Old school Batman and Robin. Although this is a costume cliché, it's casual enough for this new couple to dip their combined 20 toes into the couples' costume game without being too committal. The decision-making conversation sounds like this:
"What are you going to be for Halloween?"
"I don't know. What are you gonna be?"
"I don't know."
"Let's be old school Batman and Robin."
"Cool, okay."
"Also, let's have sex again now."
"Cool, okay."
Handout
On-again/off-again couple
Who they are: Ugh, everyone knows these guys. They are needlessly complicated, not right for one another and continue to watch primetime teen dramas into their 30s. Just. Break. Up. Forever.
Their perfect costume: Pirates. They didn't plan a costume ahead of time just in case they decided to break up by Oct. 21 and not get back together until the second week of November. By the time they hit the Halloween section at Target, only the pirate stuff was left. Arrrrrrrrrrgh.
AFP / Getty Images
The basic bitch couple
Note: This is a strictly hetero couple, because #BASIC.
Who they are: The female in the relationship loves making photo collages of her sorority sisters with words like love and sisters pasted on them in all caps and frequently invents nicknames for corporations. Target gets an accent mark; Starbucks is just 'Bucks.
Her boyfriend refuses to neuter his pit bull mix and loves to fight dudes on Clark Street while wearing boot cut jeans and flip-flops. They are very happy together mainly because they don't have the intellect to recognize how miserable they truly are.
Their perfect costume: Sexy Cinderella and Prince Charming. You seriously cannot get more basic bitch than Sexy Cinderella.
Walt Disney / Courtesy: Everett Collection
The baby-makin' couple
Who they are: These two are newly pregnant and, as is customary, cannot stop effing talking about it. And someone please make her stop asking for "mocktails."
Their perfect costume: Bun-in-the-oven and chef. Guess who is who? BARF.
The social media couple
Who they are: They're the couple who posts about how great their relationship is on every social media platform that exists, much to the chagrin of their friends. Their families still LOVE it. Chances are they share a Twitter account, or at least blog about the meals they make together.
This couple always breaks up-and does so publicly enough to be discussed giddily by friends and foes alike.
Their perfect costume: If this duo were self-aware, then they would go as Queen Gertrude and Claudius from Hamlet ("The lady doth protest too much"), but self-awareness isn't a quality of the social media couple.
Instead, they will attend parties as Jay-Z and Beyoncé to represent their obvious power couple status.
Wikipedia
The brand spankin' new couple
Who they are: These two are fresh off the boat from Couple Island and couldn't be happier about it. They rarely go out anymore but will attend every party they can together to prove to their friends that they're still alive. You will undoubtedly find them making out near a keg.
Their perfect costume: Light socket and plug. They're too busy having new-relationship sex to be original.
The stuck-in-a-rut couple
Who they are: This couple has been together too long to remember why they got together in the first place. They don't even care enough about their relationship to fight about things anymore.
Their perfect costume: Margot and Richie Tenenbaum for the sixth year in a row.
TOUCHStaffONE PICTURES
The marriage-looks-like-prison couple
Who they are: Perhaps they got married too young. Perhaps they got married too hastily. Either way, this couple is miserable and they make even the most grating sitcom marriages look like heaven. You can typically find hubby at the bar with his buddies saying, "Don't tell my wife about this," after doing a shot.
Their perfect costume: Angel and devil. Although this couple is the literal worst, it's actually pretty fun to see an angel act passive aggressively toward a devil. Very Biblical.
The marriage-looks-like-fun couple
Who they are: Married for years, these two continually make others feel good about the institution of marriage. Both have maintained their own hobbies and interests, and one of them probably plays guitar in a pretty decent band. They still have date nights where they get wildly drunk, leading them to overpay the babysitter.
We love this couple.
Their perfect costume: The basic bitch couple, complete with fake vomit and spray tans.
Getty Images
Get more at The Second City Network, and stay connected on Facebook, Twitter and YouTube.
Kristina Felske is a writer, actor and improviser in Chicago. Find out more at kristinafelske.com and tweet her @kristinafelske.