Dear Anna,
I'm in an LTR with an awesome girl whom I know is in love with me. and although I believe I'm in love with her and that our relationship is nearly perfect, I have never had an extended period of time where I didn't feel a strong desire to sleep with other women. Or feel that I am missing something by staying committed to the relationship. This also perfectly describes my previous LTR. I want both a deep, intimate relationship, and multiple sexual partners (doesn't every guy?), but since I've never known anyone who has both, I feel like that's not realistic, and that something is wrong with me for not being content with an awesome, monogamous relationship. Is there a way I can become content with long-term monogamy? Does my perpetual urge for multiple partners mean that I'm not really in love or that I will always be doomed to relationship failure?-Anon.
Dear Anon.,
A lot of people are dissatisfied with long-term monogamy, if anything can be gleaned from books like Peggy Vaughan's "The Monogamy Myth," Eric Anderson's "The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, and the Reality of Cheating" and Chris Ryan and Cacilda Jetha's "Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships," as well as the numerous articles and posts that refer to monogamy as "a cultural myth" and "an outdated and unattainable ideal." Even a cursory Google search for "monogamy is..." auto-completes with "not natural,""isn't for me," and "dead."
This isn't to say monogamy isn't a valid or excellent life choice for some people, (it is and it can be) but it's also one choice of many, and it seems like it might not be for you, Anon. And while we're at it: no, wanting to sleep with multiple people doesn't mean you're not in love with your current partner-it simply means you want to sleep with other people, a desire that is incredibly common (among both women and men), especially in LTRs. My question for you is this: Does your desire to sleep with other people greatly outweigh your desire to stay in your current monogamous relationship? If the answer is yes, then it's time to have a talk with your girlfriend. Would she be open (forgive the pun) to opening the relationship up? Would you? What would your ideal relationship look like if you were to throw out all the social expectations and cultural norms that say monogamy is the only legit way to conduct yourself? Would you want a mostly monogamous (or monogamish, as Dan Savage puts it) setup with occasional flings? Would you want to incorporate your partner in your extracurricular pursuits? Would you want something akin to a more polyamorous lifestyle?
If your partner is in no way down with you sleeping with other people, and that is something that's important to you in the long run (which it seems to be), then you should find someone who is open to it. Non-monogamy may not be the norm, but non-monogamous folks also aren't unicorns (they're definitely all over OkCupid, for instance). You might have to look a little harder for a straight gal who lovingly and enthusiastically wants you to bone other gals, but I assure you she exists and is out there.
Whatever you decide, just know that you have options.
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