When I tell people what I do for a living, I know they imagine the following scenario: A thumping bass line ("untz untz untz") accompanied by a parade of the two dancing girls emoji.
In reality, being a nightlife reporter is not quite that glamorous. It's a job I've loved, and one that I'm honored to have held at RedEye for the past two years. I'm leaving Chicago in December to move to Phoenix-peace out, puffer coats!-but before I do, I want to set the record straight about exactly what my job has involved. So now, Usher-style, these are my confessions:
1. I'm a morning person. Late nights at the club? Ha. HAHA. Nope. I'm up around 6 every morning and am usually one of the first people in the newsroom. You do not want to get between me and the coffee pot.
2. I like bourbon, but not as much as the rest of you seem to. Pass the gin, thanks.
3. I spend 90 percent of my work day at my desk ...
4. ... eating Lean Cuisines for lunch. I know good food, but most week days involve wiping sauce from the butternut squash ravioli off my keyboard.
5. I hate the word libations. On menus, on websites, basically anywhere. Never write with words you wouldn't speak aloud.
6. I once nearly cried outside El Hefe Super Macho Taqueria. I was reporting a story on Sunday daytime parties, and needed to check out the debauchery going on inside this River North bar. After standing on line for more than 45 minutes, I wasn't any closer to the other side of the velvet ropes. Was I not pretty enough? Not dressed expensively? WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME, EL HEFE? Cue the frustration tears.
7. Miller High Life is delicious. Yep, I report on craft beer for RedEye and yep, I can tell you all about malt backbones and hop varietals and the specific fruity funk of a saison yeast, but I'm adamant that High Life really is the champagne of beers.
8. I still can't spell 'liqueur.' Two years of typing this word at least once a week, and I still get the squiggly red spell check line every. damn. time.
9. I wrote a story about boxed wine... that comes in a package shaped like a purse. Lowest low or proud professional moment? Jury's out.
10. I don't like bar karaoke. But when pressed to do it at a college bar in Madison, Wis., I sang Third Eye Blind's "Motorcycle Drive By" with a duet partner so intoxicated he dropped the microphone.
11. I have eaten way too many of the free cheese balls at Archie's. Waking up with orange dust in your hair isn't what Beyonce was talking about, I don't think. #flawless
12. I have never called out of work with a hangover. But here's to future career goals.
Cheers, Chicago.
Kate Bernot is RedEye's nightlife reporter. For a more salacious version of this list, treat her to a cocktail before she leaves town.