Black Friday and Cyber Monday are just the beginning. Welcome, Americans, to the official start of the holiday shopping season.
No matter how much you all-caps the message "Christmas was invented by corporations to get consumers to spend more money! Boycott Christmas and don't be a part of their system!" on your social media feeds, the power of paid advertising and creepy websites that email you "Did you forget about this item?" will drown your anti-consumerism out.
Give in, and get spending. But before you do, read our best holiday shopping advice, collected for you with love (and for free) by The Second City's staff and contributors.
"Stretch your rotator cuff for quick elbowing, and don't eat gassy foods. Nobody likes a farter in line." -Carrie-ann Pishnak
"Stay home!!! But if you absolutely MUST shop full body armor is recommended." -Andrea Miller
"Keep a running list of gift ideas all year. That way, you don't resort to buying a Downton Abbey reader's guide for your mom on Christmas Eve day." -Chrissy Borne
"Macy's has easier to remove security tags but J.C. Penney has fewer cameras." -C.J. Tuor
"Get your loved ones a GPS wearable tracking device, and you'll always know where they are." -Dionna Griffin-Irons
"Shop where they allow open-carry guns, so you will get all the items on your list. -Lisa Linke
"Hoard your money miserly, be visited by three ghosts, then Christmas morning, throw open the window and yell at the first small boy you see. Have him then do all your shopping." -Rachael Mason
"Go with something handmade. Can't return it if you never bought it to begin with. Joke's on you, fam!" -Rebecca Noble
"Get yourself a gingerbread latte, crank up some Bing Crosby, and be ready to throw an elbow." -Stephanie Case
"Booze. With the exception of gifts for minors, all shopping lists can be completely crossed off by going to your nearest Binny's and jamming your cart full of whatever is on the shelf of aisle 4." -Tyler Davis
"Don't do gift cards. Just don't. It's like saying, 'Well, I know you shopped here once, but I'm too busy to figure out what you like. Find something yourself!'" -SanJo Maz
"For every gift you buy someone else, you deserve one Mrs. Fields cookie cup. Calories don't count in malls." -Shelby Kittleson
"Go 'Ludacris' and THROW THEM BOWS!!!" -Eddie Mujica,
"Always shop for yourself. That way, when people get you shitty gifts, you're still happy!" -Rachel LaForce
"Crumple a piece of construction paper and call it origami. Act hurt when your mom can't identify what it is." -Tim Ryder
"Pay a crafty friend to make a bunch of 'homemade' gifts that come 'straight from the heart.'" -Jana Liles
"Do NOT buy clothes in your 'New Year's resolution size.' Buy clothes in the size you wear now, because that is your size, and you will not lose any weight. Actually, get a size bigger. This winter will be a bitch." -Aasia LaShay Bullock
"Amazon. 2-Day Prime shipping. Can't beat it." -Kiley Peters
"Gold. The price is always rising, and that's just solid economics." -Carley Moseley
"Don't get cute. Just get people exactly what they asked for, and if they didn't ask for anything, just get a Visa gift card. Ain't nobody sad about getting money." -Erin Lann