With the warm scent of synthetic cinnamon in the air, it's easy to get distracted from the real holiday tradition of feeling like you're going to die alone without ever having lived up to your family's expectations.
Lucky for you: The holidays are the perfect time to start dating.
Nervous yet? Good! Use that anxiety to say goodbye to warming yourself with a blow dryer while eating peppermint bark in bed and hello to kissing real human lips goodnight.
Here are some tips to make sure you secure that all-important holiday hookup:
Stake Out Santa
While at the mall, wait along the perimeters of the Santa Land kiosk with a plate of cookies and milk. Once mall Santa gets off his shift, he's yours. Tell him to call Mrs. Claus and let her know he ain't comin' home tonight. Play Michael Jackson's "Dirty Diana" while you drive him to your parents' place to prove, once and for all, you are capable of being just like everybody else.
Go Big At The Office Holiday Party
You know Michael? That temp cutie with the taupe elbow-patched cardigan that makes his doe-eyes pop? You've spent all year crushin' on him hard, listening for hints that's he dateable like, "Well, I'm culturally Jewish," and "I wish office bonding meant helping impoverished families find better living situations."
Stealthily replace his assigned Secret Santa's gift bag with the present you've bought him.
Leave it wrapped on his desk with a note that reads, "Let's get married and watch 'Into the Woods' on Christmas." Then watch his chiseled face melt into figgy pudding as he unwraps that Zales box full of blood diamonds you bought using the corporate card.
Michael may have just been a temp, but now he's yours forever.
Remember: Family First
Tell your entire family that if they know anyone who is looking for love to send them your way. Deli workers, tollbooth workers, nursing home escapees. Don't limit yourself! Just sit back and let your creepy cousin Terri land you some digits. You'll find this alleviates all dinner table inquisitions your kin has about your love life because they're 100 percent involved! Win-win for everyone!
Now turn that blow dryer off, wipe the melted chocolate off of your chapped lips and mush! Because no matter which high school acquaintances stage garish engagement photos on your news feed and no matter how much spray snow you have to huff to keep happy, you'll always remember the true meaning of the holidays: Life is about relentlessly comparing what you lack to the seeming success of others.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Atra Asdou, @AtraAsdou, is a writer/actor/improviser from Chicago and performs with The Second City Chicago Training Center's House Ensemble.
Got a date you want to impress? Tickets are on sale now to The Second City Presents: Our Living Room Show, a star-studded benefit evening with music from Jeff Tweedy and comedy from some of Second City's most distinguished alumni, including SNL's Aidy Bryant and Horatio Sanz. For more info and tickets, please visit upcomedyclub.com.
