Dear Anna,
I'm a bi 28 year old male living in the city, and I don't have too much trouble finding girls, whether that's via my own social circle, Tinder, bars or whatever. (And I don't have trouble finding guys because men are horny dogs.) A good analogy is that I'm ALWAYS attracted to women but also have an attraction to men that sort of ebbs and flows, in and out. I'm not out as bi, nor do I plan on making some sort of grand announcement, as I'm fairly straight-acting and simply don't want to deal with the BS that comes along with that sort of banner.
I'd love to meet a girl who openly is into bi guys, but it's difficult to find the right outlet. I'd also love to get involved with some sort of regulated, semi-open relationship with a bisexual woman where we could both explore our sexualities in our bedroom with other partners. I just feel like it's so hard to express this desire early in the dating (or even PRE-DATING) process.
Are there some neighborhood bars somewhere that cater to us all-loving weirdos? Some new app? Have you heard of some conversational strategy that would work the best? I'm curious to hear your input -- especially because [correct me if I'm wrong] you're one of those very girls who adore bi men! -- Too Straight To Be Gay, Too Bi To Be Straight
Dear Too Straight,
I do love bi men! And I encourage any and all straight ladies reading this to give bi guys a whirl in general. They're not all confused or "secretly gay" (unless they're a family-values conservative, then be wary) or likely to leave you for a Zumba instructor named Pedro -- at least, they're not any more likely to cheat on you than a straight fellow.
Because I am a bi girl and the rules (and stereotypes) are different, I asked my bi friend and former lover (we'll call him Pedro) to weigh in on your quandary. As he put it, "I feel it's my duty to take one for the team. Do we have a team?"
"As a dating strategy, I wouldn't advise coming out as bi on Tinder/OKCupid, etc.," Pedro said. "Even in a progressive city, straight women (and a lot of bi women even) still believe the negative stereotypes around bi guys. Tell them you're bi and it just triggers a lot of insecurity."
How to put these insecurities at ease? Pedro advises you wait a little while before dropping the news. "I found an amazing woman that I've been in a great relationship with for a little over a year. I came out to her about a month in, when we were on the precipice of committing. This is in my opinion the best time to come out. For some people, this point could be only a couple dates in. For others, longer. The point is to let them get to know the real person first, without the distorting effect of a stereotype, but before they make a serious emotional commitment." I agree with Pedro's assessment, and coincidentally, it's similar advice to what I wrote previously about when to come out as polyamorous.
In terms of meeting a hot bi lady who's potentially into non-monogamy, you might try one of the many meet-up groups in Chicago, like Young Polyamorists or Poly Under 40. You can also, of course, search for bi girls on OkCupid/Tinder. I'm bi-ased, but I do think bi girls tend to be slightly more open-minded when it comes to understanding sexual fluidity.
You've already taken one of the biggest steps, however -- knowing yourself and your desires. This is a necessary part to getting what you want and deserve. Now you just have to find someone(s) who won't judge or stereotype you for having those desires.
As Pedro aptly put it, "Being responsible lovers and coming out are the only way these stereotypes are going to go away. Just like gay people did. It's our turn now."
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