Quick and dirty advice

Dear Anna,

Dear Scipio,

If any? Oh come now. While certainly one's neck muscles are inconvenienced, fellatio isn't exactly on par with waterboarding. Alas, no one has done a cumulative tally on women's collective feelings regarding the beej. So it's hard to say whether women are super stoked about it, enjoy it because their partner enjoys it, are doing it out of obligation or so you'll watch "Say Yes to the Dress" with them uncomplainingly.

Though we might not have qualitative data, fellatio is, scientifically speaking, a popular sex act. According to researchers at the Kinsey Institute, 50 percent to 80 percent of men age 21 to 49 say they've received it in the past year. And if we want to go way back to the `90s (and why would we not?), a 1993 survey concluded that 55 percent of women found oral sex "very normal," 32 percent found it "all right," 9 percent found it "kinky," 4 percent found it "unusual" and 1 percent didn't realize there was any other kind. That still doesn't answer your question, but don't you love that 1 percent of women are walking around being like, "Penis-in-vagina? HA HA, what's that?"

Dear Anna,

I started hanging out with this girl about eight months ago. At first we would just watch movies, go for hikes, etc. because she had a boyfriend at the time. But eventually we started having feelings for each other. She ended up leaving him and having to move in with me because she had no where else to go. But after a few months of being together, I don't see this relationship going any further. I'm not interested in her like that anymore. I feel bad because she has nowhere else to go and she's absolutely in love with me, but I don't feel the same way about her. I don't want to lead her on and hurt her even worse by pretending everything is OK when it's absolutely not. I can't get over the guilt I feel about wanting to break up with her and what it'll do to her. Any advice would be much appreciated. -- Totally F'd

Dear Totally F'd,

You know what you have to do -- you said so yourself. Your heart's not in this relationship anymore, and, even though no one wants to cause another person pain (the exception being sociopaths and most TLC programming), the right thing to do is end it. After you've dealt with the guilt and the sorrow that comes with any relationship's conclusion, you should know that it's far more hurtful (for both of you) to stay in a relationship that's not meeting your needs than it is to keep pretending everything is fine. And you both deserve to be with someone who wants to be in the relationship. The cohabitation bit does provide an extra level of crap to deal with, but it's not insurmountable. Remember that you can't neglect yourself when it comes to romantic love. Sacrificing and diminishing ourselves for the sake of others might work for a little while, but it never leads to anything good or lasting. Be honest and compassionate and you'll be OK. And so will she.

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