Much funnier to discuss than to watch, "Jupiter Ascending" stars Channing Tatum's misguided goatee as a half-man/half-wolf bent on saving Jupiter (Mila Kunis), or "Joop" to her friends, from an evil space dictator (Eddie Redmayne) who "owns Earth" and whose voice apparently works only when hushed and emotionless or cranked to 11. Mix in other genetic splices that still pretty much look human (not including ElephantFace over there), a pathetically shoehorned-in love story and talking lizard henchmen who make me want to watch "Super Mario Brothers," and you should have the formula for unintentional hilarity.
Except this abysmal space opera, the latest evidence that the Wachowskis ("Speed Racer,""Cloud Atlas") should have quit after "The Matrix," is a total joke that takes itself very seriously, leading to an epic achievement in boredom. Jupiter hates her life in Chicago as a house cleaner, so she's mostly happy to discover she's actually intergalactic royalty or something. However, her claim to planetary ownership makes her a target. Because I guess villains who want to harvest other beings still defer to the rules of contracts and bloodlines when it comes to wiping out a species.
Local writers/directors Andy and Lana Wachowski never explain why these literal space cadets consider time a precious commodity when everyone's mostly miserable and there's not much use for living thousands of years. Among other puzzlements: Bees are genetically designed to recognize royalty, and Caine's (Tatum) space boots kinda make it look like he's rollerblading everywhere.
Aside from a bloodless downtown action sequence and scenes with Jupiter's family that do nothing to establish a sense of place, most of "Jupiter Ascending" (pushed from its scheduled release last summer) is set in a shiny orange world where the explosions are just as dull as they are on Earth. Maybe the Wachowskis think they're making "Star Wars," but it's closer to "Dune" -- horribly plotted and embarrassingly acted. Kunis may as well have "I find this ridiculous" tattooed on her forehead.
She's right: Even when the movie's individual pieces are explained, they don't come together to make any sense. This still would be a problem even if the actors were, ideally, a lot younger so the movie at least could ride some angsty teenage energy. Instead, "Jupiter Ascending" is regretful 30-somethings stuck in an off-brand "Men in Black" sequel -- a black hole where fun goes to die.
1 star (out of four)
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