This year's Oscar losers might not take home a golden trophy, but at least they'll enjoy their new sonic toothbrushes and some eco-friendly underwear.
This year's $150,000 swag bags of preposterous, only-in-Hollywood nonsense have been packed tight, and Los Angeles-based DistinctiveAssets has been kind enough to share what's inside. Just like last year, we've broken the whole thing down, with some honest commentary in parenthesis next to each.
Let's open this monstrosity up:
- Dove, $5.49: (The press release just simply says "Dove," but specifically it's dry deodorant. You know, in case a nominee forgot it.)
- Dove Men+Care, $5.49: (Spray deodorant for men. We're off to a GREAT start.)
- Terravelo Tours, $12,500: (Well that escalated quickly. Specifically, Terravello specializes in "glamping." Because you can't expect celebs to just poop in the woods.)
- Haze Vaporizer, $249.99: ("Portable and discreet." LOL.)
- OZ Naturals, $200: (Anti-aging skin crap.)
- LG Electronics, $149.99: (Fancy headphones.)
- Maaz Products, $197: (Shampoo and stuff. Seriously. Nearly $200 worth of shampoo and stuff. This is real life.)
- Wellness 360, $1,200: (Hair loss product. HINT HINT LEO DECAPRIO, we've all noticed.)
- Rocky Mountaineer, $14,584: (A train trip through Canada. Hey, you lost best actress, but here's a super boring train ride through some mountains and shit!)
- Halo Natural Pet Food, $6,270: (This one COULD be scoffed at, but it's actually a donation of 10,000 meals for shelters. You win this round, DistinctiveAssets!)
- Silvercar, $20,000: (A year's worth of car rentals. You know, because A-listers couldn't possibly be expected to wait in line at Avis to rent a Taurus.)
- Italian Luxury Hotel Package, $11,500: (Whatever. Bring us back some pizza sauce or something.)
- Ibiza Soul, $40: (Pair of flip flops. Yeah, you read that right.)
- Slow Watches,$270: (A hot pink watch that was once ranked "among the 50 watches that changed the world." Ya barfin' yet, or should we go on?)
- Dosha Pops, $68: ("Herbal tea-based candy." They have a 24-karat gold leaf in them, which is obscene.)
- Linwoods Health Foods, $8.99: (A "superfood" with nuts in it or something.)
- Narrative Clip, $149: (A tiny, automatic camera that gives you a "photographic memory." So you can remember the exact moment you lost Best Supporting Actor and tried not to cry.)
- Polar Loop, $109.95: (A FitBit-like activity tracker, which TOTALLY isn't used by the paparazzi to track celebrities. No. Seriously. It's totally safe.)
- Steamist, $5,060: (A total home spa system. Come on, DistinctiveAssets. Celebs GO to the spa, they don't need one at home. Up your game.)
- Hydroxycut, $45.94: (America's favorite weight-loss product that makes you poop a lot and tricks you into thinking you're skinnier!)
- Coral Actives, $19.99: (More skin care BS. Come on, haven't you seen the commericials? Hollywood uses Proactiv.)
- Dermawand, $115: (A really big dildo.)
- Slimware, $59: (A set of plates, apparently. Also, sorry, the description in the previous bullet point was a joke. The Dermawand is not a dildo, it's a wrinkle reducer.)
- Rouge Maple, $280: (Hahahahahahaha. It's syrup! OK, DistinctiveAssets, this is more like it. Nothing says "luxury" like stuffing a basket with pancake toppings. This is the best so far.
- Alexis Seletzky, Celebrity Trainer, $900: (That's right! Wrapped inside every basket is THE Alexis Seletzky. That's why there are holes in the plastic. It is so Alexis can breathe.)
- Nostalgia Baskets, $150: (A BASKET INSIDE OF A BASKET. BASKETCEPTION. Well, DistinctiveAssets never specifically SAID these were baskets, but that's what we're going with.)
- Pop Dental, $100: (Sonic toothbrush.)
- Posh Pretzels, $50: (Much like the syrup, these chocolate covered pretzels are better than anything you've ever eaten, you peasant.)
- Adri and Sara, $203: (A scarf.)
- Sashka Co., $36: (A bracelet.)
- XO Mints, $8.97: (Expensive-ass designer mints.)
- California Good Clothing, $35.99: (A T-shirt. Supposed to be soft.)
- Candy Vixen, $800: (Gift certificate for ... wait for it ... A CANDY AND DESSERT BUFFET. OMG. SOMEONE BUY THIS FOR US NOW.)
- Coal & Canary, $17: (Candles.)
- Rejuvel, $149: (A face cream that uses NASA technology. Not making that up. That is real.)
- Flickable, $36: (Vegan-friendly lip gloss. VOMIT.)
- JNL Clothing, $39: ("Strong is the new skinny" tanktops and shirts. Meh.)
- Crush DLX, $1,000: ("Cassette collectors item" because this is 1988.)
- Max Martin, $750: (Luxury, American-made shoes. MURICA!)
- Memobottle, $23: (Reusable bottles, AKA flasks.)
- Mezcal El Silencio, $75: (Booze. Hey! You can fill your Memobottle with it!)
- Stickerwallet, $12: (An adhesive wallet.)
- Tags, $60: (The description provided was really vauge, so we're just going to assume this is code for drugs or something.)
- NapAnywhere, $69: (A portable pillow. For all those trips you'll be going on, apparently.)
- Zuzu Kim, $175-$300: (Luxury bow ties, because why not.)
- Backroad Vines, $569: (YAY WINE.)
- Naked Undies, $125-$225: (One of Oprah's favorite things! They're eco-friendly genital covers.)
- Live Love Pop, $3.99: (Popcorn.)
- Jan Lewis Designs, $300: (Bangle bracelets from JAN LEWIS. OMG JAN LEWIS.)
- Live Natural Live Well, $520: (A consultation with acupuncturist Heather Lounsbury aka The Poker.)
- Show Me the Movie, $25: (A charades game about movies.)
- Ambrosia Apples, $75: (For that price, these apples better cure STDs or make you pancakes.)
- La Baleine Natural Medditerranean Sea Salts, $1,548: (A bunch of fancy-as-shit salt. But wait! Are you ready? Are you sitting down? A TOUR OF WHERE THE SALT IS MINED. Not even kidding. Holy actual crap, a salt tour. This is the best thing so far.)
- Gunner Fox, Artist, $5,000: (Paintings. Expensive ones.)
- "An Invisible Thread," $15.99: (Book.)
- Starlettos, $54.30: ("Tiny, discreet heel protectors that are almost invisible when worn on grass." What? Huh? Why are you barefoot in the grass?)
- The Afterglow Pulsewave Vibrator, $250: (Unlike the joke before, this one's actually a dildo. If your basket is buzzin', you know why!)
- Lifestyle Photography, $5,000: (A family portrait session.)
- Lat & Lo, $150: (Inscribed necklace.)
- Ventura Lipo-Light, $4,068: (Lose 3 to 9 inches in 3 weeks! That sounds safe!)
- The Getty, $49.95: (Boring book of paintings.)
- Ron Kennedy Roecker, $300: (An actual painting.)
- Purely Inspired, $24.99: (Gluten-free protein shakes, bro!)
- Phantom Glass, $39.99: (A phone screen protector. For when the celebs get the drunken dropsies at the after party. Looking at you, J-Law.)
- Archibald's Next Big Thing, $19.99: (Illustrated children's book.)
- Couple's Love Shot, $5,000: (AKA an "orgasm shot," it's a literal shot for your junk that's supposed to enhance lovemaking. Or something. It's from the man who invented the "Vampire Facelift," so it's totes legit.)
- Marini Ferlazzo, $109.85: (Premium stationary. Maybe for thank you notes to every single company who provided all this free junk?)
- Enigma Life, $20,000: (An astrologist will personally fly out to you and give you your 2015 horoscope. Also, she will teach you mind control techniques. WORTH IT.)
- EF+Facto, $28,000: (Furniture. Thinking that, most likely, this doesn't fit into the basket.)
- Naked Luxury Condoms, $56: (Two six packs of rubbers. Again, for the after party.)
- The Kindness Diaries, $24.99: (Another book.)
- Big Cat Rescue, $280: (Private tour of Big Cat Rescue.)
- Myntsmile Oral Health, $250: (TOOTHPASTE.)
- Hazel Lane, $350: (One of those monthy subscription boxes, but this one is fancy.)
- Dunkin' Donuts Coffee, $8.99: (Ha! Hollywood runs on Dunkin'. And cocaine.)
- Esther Easter's Treats, $45: (Gluten-free cookies.)
- Caffeinated Club, $672: (Two cases of caffeinated club soda sent to every celebrity for a year.)
- International Star Registry, $126.95: (A star named after the stars. Cute.)
- Martone Cycling, $1,200: (Motorized designer bikes.)
- Reset Yourself, $14,239: ("Helps you discover how your hair can change the way you EAT!" reads the description. Spas, detoxes, cleanses and supplements come in this package, which is appropriate, because after reading this list, you're going to need a full-on detox plan.)