I usually wait until New Year's Day to make my resolutions, but hey, we just survived the Mayan apocalypse, so why wait? Here's my 2013 checklist.
>>Wear ear protection next time I watch "Magic Mike" with my wife and her girlfriends.
>>Start a "Bring Ozzie back to the South Side" meme.
>>Return all the "Fifty Shades of Grey" toys I, uh, accidentally purchased.
>>Stop "liking" lottery-winner hoaxes on Facebook.
>>Don't take the bet on the Cubs losing fewer than 100 games.
>>Jump on the Seth MacFarlane bandwagon.
>>Accept that "Gangnam Style" will become a staple at weddings from now on.
>>Pack on 100 pounds and try out for the Bears' offensive line.
>>Purge the words "swag,""epic" and "man-cave" from my vocabulary.
>>Grow a moustache in Movember, even if I look like a creep.
>>Even though I'm not from Portland, I just might finally try kale.
>>Avoid the office pool to guess the name of Kate Middleton's baby.
>>Never take my pet monkey to Ikea in a faux shearling coat.
>>Schedule a fight with Manny Pacquiao.
>>Perfect my McKayla Maroney not-amused face.
>>Accept that Brandon Marshall is the greatest receiver the Bears ever had and buy his jersey.
>>Submit the name "WTFland" for the Iceland renaming contest.
>>Bet $100 on Alabama beating Notre Dame by three touchdowns.
>>Never sing "Call Me Maybe" at a karaoke bar.
>>Cut Oprah a break and finally start watching the OWN channel.
>>Accept that it's not the men but Taylor Swift who is the bloody problem.
>>Write a column without mentioning a Kardashian. No, wait. I'm not giving up that one.
Matt Kuttan is a RedEye special contributor.
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