Have you ever had one of those moments when you just need a cupcake? And I don't mean when the bakery opens. I mean, it's 4 a.m. and I JUST NEED A FRIGGIN' CARROT CAKE CUPCAKE!
What can I say? Instant cupcake gratification is a high priority for some people. Like me.
Apparently someone with a rolling pin up above heard my prayers. Three cheers for Chicago'snew 24-hour ATM that spits out cupcakes!! Best. Idea. Ever. Further proof that Americans will spend money on anything, and perfect for those late-night cupcake attacks to go with all your (my) Facebook stalking.
The vending machine itself looks so excited to be at Sprinkles in the Gold Coast. Just look at its face. It's precious. You know Katy Perry must have designed it.
I know, I know-the economy has gone to hell, I just started my no-sugar diet, and some desperate Girl Scout probably will attempt to rob the machine in the next few months. Buutttttt ... this stuff is magical, you guys! Better than a pot of gold and only half the price! (How much you wanna bet some greedy arm will get jammed in the machine this year?)
I'm just relieved we've finally solved the world's need for 24/7 cupcakes. And if ATMs can dispense cupcakes, then ATMs can dispense doughnuts. The day an automated machine on the street can cure my doughnut cravings any time of day, I become the happiest woman on Earth.
If I could hit up the ATM and withdraw $100 in booze AND pick up two rich, frosted doughnuts, it would be the swiftest, most efficient transaction in history. My life would be complete. (Side note: This may cause some confusion for intoxicated folks trying to get cash only to end up with a red velvet cupcake. Just sayin'.)
It's all about convenience. Please, someone further exploit my impulse-buying addiction. Now I want ALL my produce, meats, fish, dairy, canned goods, toiletries and concert tickets this way. Fresh out of the vending machine.
The cupcake machine is just a start to something bigger, a whole new way of life. The end has to start somewhere. The Mayans predicted this.
Next up: Maybe a bacon ATM, a Hot Pockets machine, something that serves up cheesesteaks, buffalo wings, beer and hot dogs? Oh god, yessss!
If I am not back in two hours, someone please call Weight Watchers.
Doris Dadayan is a RedEye special contributor. @dorisdadayan