Dear Anna,
I found my boyfriend's porn stash the other day. In and of itself, not a problem, but when scrolling through I did notice that the kind of porn lady he was into was basically the exact opposite of me (I'm a short, slender brunette; he's into busty blondes). Now I'm a little worried that my boyfriend maybe wants something fundamentally different than me. Should I say something to him? -Double A Brunette
Dear DAB,
If you had found MILF porn would you be worried you're not maternal enough? If you had found tentacle porn would you then be concerned you didn't have enough suction-cup-bearing limbs to satisfy him?
Let's just get this out of the way: Porn is not necessarily a reflection of someone's actual wants and desires. In fact, the fantasy worlds we construct sometimes are in polar opposition to the world-world-you know, the one where we have to do laundry and pay the cable bill and negotiate relationships with actual flesh humans. So just bear that in mind. If my own porn-viewing tendencies were any kind of accurate measure, then you might as well ship me off to Brokeback Mountain. "I wish I knew how to quit you, gay cowboy erotica!"
Even if your boyfriend does exclusively lust after so-called busty blondes while he's fantasizing, it has no bearing on your actual relationship (unless he's, like, only capable of having an orgasm while watching "The Real Housewives of Whatever County"). What does have a bearing on your relationship is the way your boyfriend treats you, which you conveniently left out! So I'm assuming that's fine, too. Am I wrong? Do you feel appreciated and lusted after and desired? If you don't, how would you like that to change? In other words, what would help you kick this small bout of insecurity you're feeling and make you see that you are the "hot, slender brunette" who gets to bone your boyfriend on the regular. Not Debbie Does Dallas, but you.
I'm also going to venture a guess that you occasionally fantasize about people who are not your boyfriend (or a carbon copy of him). Again, it doesn't mean that you secretly think your partner is a troll or that you're unsatisfied with your sex life. It just means that for the next 30 minutes, you want to close your eyes and think of Gosling. So, in short, don't dye your hair or pad your bras. Keep being your awesome and sexy self and worry not about the gals in "Whorrey Potter and the Sorcerer's Balls."
How do you know if you love someone? -Anonymous
If you give them the last spoonful of Nutella in the jar-not just willingly, but joyfully.
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