I was out with some friends the other weekend and we decided to go to the IHOP in Boystown post-bar hopping. I used to go there with my ex-girlfriend (we broke up two years ago and are just friends) so I texted to see if she wanted to join us. Turns out her boyfriend was less than thrilled I was texting her at such a late hour. But I didn't mean anything by it! Is she right to be pissed at me? -Context Is Everything
Dear CIE,
Though your intentions may have been pure, unless you are texting from a hospital about a disfiguring accident you've just endured, any text you send late at night to an ex will always imply "Let's have drunk, regrettable sex!" Or worse: "I'm not over you and instead of posting Smiths lyrics to my Tumblr like usual, I'm going to text you instead!"
Take heart, though. She can't stay too mad at you for long. Just apologize for the error, state again that you meant no harm and in the future try to keep your stuffed pancake desires to a reasonable hour.
Dear Anna,
How do you maintain a relationship when you only see each other once every week or two? I've been seeing a guy who's poly for about five months now. For me, it's unusual to not go into mind-meld right away, so I'm not used to having a relationship that's lasted for so long but still feels kind of sporadic. In many ways, it's like we're still getting to know each other. And I wonder if the momentum will get lost. Please advise. -Slowed Down
Dear SD,
Slow relationships are the best! Your honeymoon phase lasts like three times as long. You have time to actually have a life and pursue your hobby of collecting miniature ceramic corgis (or whatever)! And you see each other just enough to still be really excited about each date (and have time to date other people, since he's poly and presumably so are you). I think most of the troubled feelings that come from having an unconventional relationship like yours is when we try to apply the typical "relationship timelines" to them. But you don't have to. When you're on your own timeline, you can make up the rules as you go along. In other words, as long as you're both happy, then do as you please.
So I guess my question to you is how is your relationship now? As you worded it, it seems like you're worried about how things might be in the future and not what's actually happening this moment. Are you unsatisfied with aspects of your relationship? Do you want to see him more? Does his schedule allow it (does yours)? Do you want more communication? What would help make it feel less "sporadic"? Think about more concrete ways you'd like to change the state of things and work toward them in a way that works for both of you. Now is as good a time as any to talk about any care or fuel your relationship might be missing. My guess is that once you give conventional expectations the bird, you'll find you're actually doing pretty OK.
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