Face it, your New Year's Eve is going to suck a big fat one. It's overhyped and anticlimactic, and it's impossible to find a cab. So take the reins, take control and make it a "choice," my enlightened little bunnies. Don't be a victim.
Instead, check off the following to-do list and ensure yourself a terrible night by CHOICE. (I'm not saying that I've done all these things ... but I have done all these things.)
- Don't eat much all day. You don't want all the alcohol you're going to drink to land on food and bloat you.
- Schedule a new drastic haircut an hour before the big party.
- Find the party your ex is going to and go to it alone in new shoes.
- Book a flight for the morning of Jan. 1.
- Call all of your friends from high school to reminisce about the good old days right at midnight.
- Spend all your money on a new coat; it's all about the entrance. Make sure your keys are in the new coat's pocket. It won't be coming home with you.
- Do drugs for the first time at a large party full of acquaintances. I recommend mushrooms.
- Carry a backpack full of cheesecakes.
- Play hard to get by whispering, "Fuck you, douchebag," to anyone who starts a conversation with you.
- Or get your conversation topics ready and have strong, unwavering opinions about them. Ideas to get you started: Bill Cosby, President 'Bama, terrorism. (Cool thing about terrorism is it'll never go out of style.)
- Talk in a funny voice all night. Do not acknowledge that it isn't your real voice.
- Make the most fucked up New Years resolutions you can think of, like training toddlers to knife fight, breaking up two marriages at the same time or doing heroin.
- Cross off at least one of those resolutions tonight.
Happy Hangover's Eve and see you next year when I start smoking ... so I can quit.
Andel Sudik has performed improv at iO, the Playground and the Annoyance and sketch comedy at Second City on a cruise ship, in theatricals, with the National Touring Company and on the e.t.c. stage. She occasionally writes things while looking out her window at the lake. Follow her on twitter @AndelSudik or check out her website andelsudik.com.